Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
