just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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