It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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