Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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