Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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