Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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