I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
They have beer where we have blood.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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