i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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