have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize