The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
