I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
