i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
