If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
