So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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