I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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