I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize