Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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