And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
