I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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