my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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