im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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