my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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