I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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