Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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