I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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