Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
