Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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