Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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