bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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