I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize