Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize