Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
