I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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