I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
