I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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