So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
