is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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