When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
