a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
