she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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