What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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