Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
