Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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