I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
