allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
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