I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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