He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
