I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
