Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
