i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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