i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
