My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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