i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
