new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
