There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
