Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
