He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
